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Positive Parenting Series 3of3

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Virginia Chance School is now proud to offer our signature parenting workshop to all parents in three parts. Parents will walk away with concepts that they can immediately apply in their homes. The course includes information regarding how to talk and listen to your child, developmental stages, the parent's role in supporting those stages, specific unique ways of communicating, how to help your child learn to be responsible, how to use positive discipline and how to help your child develop into a capable person.

Show Transcript

thank you guys for a week together for this short time and I'm happy you're here for those of you that attended the past few sessions welcome back and if we have any new false the hope that you have taken some time to watch those you pre-recorded presentation I absolutely love this term because I think that's what we do every day and so we're going to jump into this and become a detective we're going to start out talking about not so perfect parenting again argolis not be perfect parent we are just improving every day right we're going to spend a nice amount of time talking about the belief behind the behavior it's really important mistaken goals were there's four of them we're going to be talking about what they mean and how we as parents contribute to them which can be a little bit of a peaceful topic but we're going to get together and then we're going to do a really short recap from everything that we have covered over the past there's often an unrealistic expectation that parents are supposed to be perfect and not mess up on the parenting Journey but that is absolutely unrealistic I have personally a perfect parent and neither have you we are working toward Improvement and that is healthy and perfectionism in our parenting is not what we are working for the past two weeks we've talked a lot celebrating our mistakes so as parents we're going to have a lot of opportunities to practice Having the courage to be imperfect to forgive yourself to apologize and focus on Solutions and something that I feel like I have parked for the past two weeks as well is that really models what we want for our kids we want them to be able to learn and forgive themselves for mistakes forgive others and we want to be able to model that for kids like many of you I really do enjoy flipping through Tik-Tok knows me very well in front of me last week I'm it's a couple of minutes and I wanted to share it with you because it perfectly encapsulates what we've been talking about the past two weeks will it take a couple of and watch this Mom helped her to deal with disappointment I want you to listen very carefully because of the hurricane right now there are definitely stores closing everywhere that means what we go to get ice cream the store might be closed but what are we going to do if the ice cream store is closed let's make a plan wow so let's stop and if we get to the ice cream store and it's closed we have to say that's okay we'll go another that I want you to know that the ice cream shop is closed that means we will have to go another day I know that you're feeling disappointed about that I can see and I can tell and I'm so sorry here's what we're going to do we're going to take some deep breaths is it feels pretty disappointing it is okay to feel sad you were really excited about ice cream but the hurricane made a different plan for us if you want to cry it is okay to cry now I remember that we said we could get ice cream tomorrow when they open again what we do have at the house or popsicles would you like to compromise and have a popsicle at home today it's okay to feel frustrated when taking deep breaths I love that you're taking those breasts anyway that's really smart that's going to help your body stay calm what do you want me to go to I have some ice cream there you are such a problem solver do you want to go see if there's a grocery store open with ice cream what's going to happen if the grocery stores closed because because of hurricane is coming so if the grocery store is closed will have to wait for tomorrow to get ice cream okay okay I have news. grocery store is open how are you feeling about that do you see how a problem solved and came up with a new plan yes and we should definitely go okay let's do it what is Emma is going to all right so what are your thoughts on that would anybody like to share what you noticed about the mom and how she prepared her kid for disa or just the interaction as a whole would anybody like to share anything that you have noticed we have like not that many people online so if you wanted to unmute yourself please feel free to do that as well instead of typing Bridget on love I just started reading after last week's the whole brain child called it was exactly like the whole brain child anything else you guys noticed she really talked it out so she was very verbal and expressing all the options and dabs and what the child could confront and so that was probably more speaking about the situation and to the child then I would have done at that age in stage so I'm sure she was really putting in the time and the work on that one but complete understood what she was talking about he set him up that it may or may not be realistic that this is going to happen and then she they talked about what they can do instead and so I love the way that she talk to him her language was perfect the way that she reacted was expected but I also like that he problem solved 3D problem solves that him and so I just I don't know that little example anybody else have thought you want to share No we're going to move on so it's not your job to make your children happy if you believe it's your job to make your children happy it is likely they will take you up on it and insist that you do right and so again at our overall goal as parents is not to make your kids happy we want them to functioning members of society that are flexible and that contribute to their environment so get our goal isn't to create a problem for our kids to grow in their ability to be and deal with day-to-day life all right so unfortunately we as parents inadvertently create weakness in our kids by doing a few different things and so we know that it's a parents that we do not make our kids suffer but sometimes it is helpful to allow them to suffer with the port pleasing so it is not our job to constantly make sure that our kids are pleased we do not have to have them in a place where they are living a perfectly happy life all the time rescuing this is something that we as parents do and it's because we love our kids we don't want them to experience heartache or anything like that and so often times we will rescue them and example of this is something that happened in my house last night orchids has to take her Chromebook to school every single day and she asked plug in that Chromebook right and so at the beginning of the school year we had a discussion on if you if you do not remember to plug in your Chromebook we're not going to do it for you so that is her expectations in last night we came downstairs after you know getting her into bed and we saw that her Chromebook was not plugged in and I could have very easily reached over and plug that little thing in right but I did not because it was her responsibility and it's something that she has to learn how to do so when she woke up and came downstairs she was like I forgot to plug in my Chromebook I was like yeah that's kind of a bummer you know what's your plan for that tomorrow since I'm not making a big deal about it it's just her responsibilities to remember for those things and so we want to make sure that we're not always rescuing over protecting you know that can look like a lot of stuff and it looks like our super little kids that are outside on your amazing playground there a chance then we always want to be like oh be careful that don't plan on that log you know it's looks something like that I'm went gets older it might look a little bit different but those are really safe place for them to experiment with their body to figure out what they are capable of doing and that is how they grow we don't want to over for climbing up to the top of the tree tampering providing everything that they wanted every time you go into Target you know I want this and you give it to them that's probably setting them up for living a little bit of a Pampered life later so we don't want them to fall into giving them everything they want micromanaging in the Name of Love You know what see that's a white with older Elementary on a middle school and high school especially with homework and projects right so we may help a little much because we want it to be we want it to look really wonderful but then it ends up being my project and not my kids project so we don't want to micromanage that giving too many choices we talked about this already so I want to elaborate too much on it we went to give limit making sure our kids never suffer that's not our job our job is still allow them to suffer and have some consequences but the offer support and empathy like that all right so we're going to spend some time talking about the belief behind the behavior and then that's really going to bring us into talking about mistaken goals so the belief behind your is literally what is underneath the things that your kids are choosing to do so most parents do not realize that there is a belief behind the behavior so we learned early on first session that the primary goal of all children is to fuel assistance belonging and significance that is their goal unfortunately sometimes this can take form in a mistaken goal and how they choose to find belonging and significant and what are the things we want the info is that belief is what we're looking at it doesn't matter what I is appearance believe about a situation it only matters what your kid believes in that moment. Example that I liked let's suppose you have a 3 year old child at home mom goes off and has a baby in the hospital and bring this new little brother or sister home right what is the first thing that the first child sees going on between Mom and baby they really see time and attention that baby is taking a lot of my time away from my mom that's what they're seeing so what does the old urge interpret that to me right they could interpret it as mom loves the baby more than me and so what might that first born child do in their attempt to get the love and attention back I hear this all the time he or she may start acting like a baby am I cry a lot they may regress and ask for bottle they may regret them potty training and so these are all the things that sometimes kids might do it's because the belief behind the behavior is I don't have enough time and attention alright dumping into mistaken goals search for mistaken goals that we are going to be walking through today so the mistake and attention misguided power Revenge adequacy we know that a misbehaving child is a discouraged child and that is sometimes A New Concept for parents because we might look at a kid that's misbehaving and being like that little jerk no a misbehaving child is a discouraged child when a child is discouraged they usually choose one of these for mistaken goals as we talked about when we started the presentation it is really important for us to parents to become Behavior Detective so that we can figure out what the belief behind the behavior is a misbehaving child away from a mistaken Direction not only requires Insight inpatient on behalf of the parent but also really skilled encouragement all right so then we're Behavior detectives and we know that 2 times the first clue that we get to figuring out which of these for mistaken goals are kid is in is how I'm feeling so let's irritated worried or guilty it could be a clue that your child's mistaken goal is undue attention if you're feeling challenged and threatened and defeated we may be looking at misguided power when you feel hurt disappointed or disgusted your child's mistaken goal maybe Revenge we're actually going to spend a tiny bit extra time talking about revenge because it's something that parents really we're going to talk a little bit more about that feeling really hopeless inadequate then it may be a clue that we have assumed in at the end one thing that I do want to point out is some Behavior in the multiple categories okay so it's not like one behavior is indicative of one specific this is the mistaken goal chart we will be walking some of these things today but will also look at this and that's when we do the school class I'm in I like it cuz it's broken down into what the goal is how a parent feels how we react how the kid responds the real nice little art and you can Google mistaken goal chart online and this will pop up all right so we are going to jump in with our first mistaken goal of undue attention each slide when I'm introducing the new mistaken goal you're going to see an iceberg the iceberg analogy I think is really appropriate for these because the tip of the iceberg is what we see so that is the behavior that happening and so that is typically unfortunately what parents and some counselors and teachers that's what they send only look at how do we fix this problem Behavior but it's not necessarily where we need to start we need to figure out what's info on each of these you're going to see that everybody wants attention is a natural part of being human right it's a fundamental need to feel belonging connection the problem arises when a children's speech attention in negative ways because they think that's how they need to find that sense of belonging and significant so mistaken goal of undue attention occurs when kids have the bow I am only okay I get attention so again that coded message is notice me and involve me slowly alright what's walkthrough some of the precursors are behaviors of undue attention all right so if a parent feels irritated worried or guilty could be a clue again we are being Detectives if we have parents react to the behavior by reminding coaxing like you've already told your child that you're on the phone and that you're going to need 10 minutes and they don't like it because you're not spending the time with you may have to feel like you have to remind them mom is on the phone mom is on the phone I can't talk to you right now mommy's on the phone doing things for the child that he or she could do on there attention kids it will look like they act like they can't do something and so we do it for them and they want that extra attention sometimes our expectations are really low so what are kids okay and that's because they really just want to be spending time with you instead of doing it by themselves it's a child responds by stopping temporarily but then they just resume Behavior later that could be a clue that we're on undue attention when given one-on-one attention this was the mistake single we may be looking at the belief behind the child's behavior is I only belong when I'm being noticed or getting a special service and that coded message is notice me and involve me usefully stone each of these were going to talk about some in empowering responses that parents could have reader redirect by involving the child and a useful tactic to gain useful attention so making sure that they have things to do around the is really important so whether or not it's a routine chart whether or not it stores that they helping contribute with keeping them involved and recognizing them with that is really important I see what you will do so I love you and is a really good statement a beginner I love you and I will spend time with you later so if you're working from home which many of us do now and they know that you need a certain. Of time I love you and I will spend time with you later avoid special services the funeral a child can do something on their own let them do it on their own and be really encouraging I know you can handle that I trust that you can handle that say it once in the next half face of the child that can really deal with their own feelings don't fix a rescue plan a special time is really important for kids kids that are seeking undue attention make sure that there's something into everyday that will get them some special time with you whether or not that's reading books before bed a lot of kids really enjoy board games this new meme game at for families and it is hilarious and our kid loves it and so we do that often at least four or five times a week she loves to play that with us and honestly it really cheap 20 or 30 minutes of our time Ray and only takes a short amount of time for them to feel really special and another thing a little caveat that I'll give as if you have multiple if you have babysitters available or something like that plan a one-on-one date did they get that special time routines are really great if you know that you're going to be working for an hour in the day pictures they have a routine of what they can do to keep themselves busy and then you can engage the child and problem-solving and they can also help you set up your routine what would you like to do while mommy is doing this what are some things we can add to the list and then you can have a family or class meeting we have not had time to talk about this time we will address that in our regular class ignore without words so this is what happens often times when parents are on the phone and they still kids are on the phone and they take comes over just a gentle touch and a shaking of the head or not right now can I get your point across okay so a class the last time did a little I don't know a little skit kind of explaining each of the mistaken goal so here we go with undue attention how to make a phone call I'll be back in about 10 min you could choose something to do you could even watch an episode of Bluey Mom Mom Mom craft oh my goodness give me 5 minutes okay okay Mom Cora I love you and I still need to make this phone call you and I will hang out later okay kids aren't always happy when we set those boundaries with them but it's just an essential part of what we have to do as parents and it really does shape and teach them a little bit alright so here we go our second one power right or at least I don't let you be the boss of me right there is let me help and give me we're going to use really smartly we're going to make sure they're really involved alright so let's Behavior detected if we start feeling challenged or threatened defeated or deter and if we start reacting by fight and when I say fighting I really mean power struggle I should probably add that when we're talking about fighting we're talking about a power struggle between you and your kid giving in if you remember our first session we talked as session where we talked about parenting style and with sometimes we can be both we can really lean into being very firm until we get stoned and the kid is pushing us and fighting with us so much that we give in and become passive right and so if we noticed we're in a power struggle if we get really frustrated and just say forget it do whatever you want that's a clue that this is what we're if we think ourselves you can't get away with this or I will make you what have we learned over the past couple of weeks that is important for us to consider giving up the idea that we can make our kids do something right and so if we start feeling really angry when you can't get away with this I'm going to make you do it we may be dealing with this kind of power child responds to you by intensifying their behavior where that power struggle is getting bigger and bigger and bigger defiant compliance this is I mean it's not funny but it's a little funny if defiance I can look like a couple of things to ask your kids to pick up their socks in the room you go upstairs and one stock is still laying on the floor that could be defiant compliance another thing is if you stay in order for you to be able to watch TV in a little bit I need you to pick up the Legos on the floor and they get really frustrated with you and you here just slamming of Legos after that into the Toy Bin Define compliant they're going to do it but they're going to be really angry while they're doing it sometimes kids feel like they have one because they've made their parents are teachers upset still again. behind the behavior is I only belong when I'm the boss you cannot make me and that coded message is let me help and give me choices so what do we do as parents if we have a kid that likes to be the boss tell us what to do how do we redirect that misguided power again trying to embrace acknowledging that you can't make them do it directs them into something that gives them Power by offering a limited choice don't fight and don't give in if you notice that you're getting into a power struggle with your kid really be aware of that and step out of it as soon as you notice it raw from conflict and calm down but be kind and firm at the same time that you're in a power struggle with you think yourself oh my gosh I have got to calm down and so you just step away feeling really frustrated right now before I say something that I might regret later I'm going to take a little bit of a break but I'm going to come back and we're going to talk about this ask don't talk again. find what you're willing to do let the routines be the boss I again we talked about this previously but I like letting the routines that the clock says it's time for bed the clock says that it's time for homework our routine chart says that look it looks like you have it marked off that use finished your homework for the day let's go back and get that done so routines need to be the boss follow routines more closely when they have been a part of the routine making process don't leave your kid out of that keep them involved in making routine again another for all of them we're developing mutual respect for our kids I get help from the child and set reasonable and fuel limit so that was a little bit that we just talked about getting them involved and routines and coming consequences for things can actually work out really well there going to be more invested and practice follow through in a game family class meetings we haven't been able to talk about but we will address that next semester hey Cora it was a really nice so that your friends can come over and play you're not the boss of me you can't make me I can't make you but you choose not to do that you won't be able to have your friends over and you're not going to play your switch for the rest of the day so I was kind of firm there even though that's a made-up scenario that may or may not have happened in my house we were very kind and we gave some limited choices yeah you're right I can't make you but if you choose to do this this is the consequence of what's going to happen rent Revenge Revenge the belief behind them and that hurts so I'm going to get even by hurting others and then the coded message is that birding please validate my feelings revenge is tricky because we take it so personally and we're going to talk a little bit more about that. Feels hurt and disappointed Mystikal leaving or disgusted if we react by retaliating we try to get even with the child or thinking something along the lines of how could you do that to me just go ahead and say we do this for all of them right but this is one that we really do take it personally child respond by retaliating so we had we're retaliating and then the kids retaliating if they hurt other people damage property if they get even if that is their goal we're dealing and if that behavior continues to escalate and then the belief behind the behavior is I don't belong so I'm going to hurt others as I feel hurt I'm hurting validate my feet so we're going to walk through some in power and responses like we did on the other one but we're going to expand more on it and one more slide after this with Revenge it's really important for us as parents to acknowledge feelings which is very difficult for us because they've also hurt my feelings so that is really hard but it's important to acknowledge hurt feelings don't take the behavior personally active listening I have an example of this on the next slide so just hang on with me share your feelings apologize that I want to say apologize when it's appropriate if something if you've done something that may be made the child's Behavior escalate more you can take an opportunity to apologize and make amends showing that you care and encourage strength all right so Whipper our reaction is to strike back when we feel hurt and this happens with adults and kids right and so it's really important that we break the Revenge cycle and speak to coded message of I am hurt please validate my feelings so here's some examples of things that you can say I'm guessing you feel hurt by something and want to hurt that you're just reflecting what you're saying no wonder you feel upset it seems you're always get in trouble While others don't get caught it looks like you're having a bad day want to talk about it I care about you why don't we take a break try again later if things are really big if behaviors are really big on your side and the child side and knowledge in that I love you I care about you but I think we need to take a break is a really great way to approach this otherwise you're going to get in a screaming match with your kid and nothing's going to be accomplished because what did we learn last week when we talked about whole brain child is when you or your child has flipped their lid nobody can make a rational Problem Solver solver in that moment right so we have to calm down before we can work it out so take a break you make me so mad he Corey welcome home from school how was your day oh my your behavior is telling me you I feel hurt do you want to talk about it okay well when you're ready I'm here and I'm not an actor's I apologize if that sounded patronizing but it wasn't meant to be we're reflecting back the weird here and if you want to talk we can talk about it so that's really important revenge is the one that we often will take the most personal assumed inadequacy so this underneath the belief behind the behavior is I give up and leave me alone but that coded message is don't give up on me show me a small step that tip of the iceberg for assumed inadequacy can look like a lot of different things and so we're going to walk through some of that it's a parent feels Despair and hopelessness if we so helpless than adequate and if we react by giving up doing for over helping so when I think of assumed inadequacy a lot of times our brains goes straight to school right so let's say that we have a child that struck or maybe he has and I don't know it's challenging a certain area sometimes the kid will just give up because they don't want to make a mistake they know that something is challenging so they give up and us as parents we feel that hopelessness and despair alongside the child and so sometimes give up cuz we don't know how to help or we start doing things too much for the child so that could be a problem in itself sometimes our expectations are too high so I work with families where the child has a assumed inadequacy again we may think that it's that has something to do that's cool I'm in the parents are really high expectations for their kids and they were really hard time of letting go of that it's a child's responses to retreat further if they are passive they don't even try to work on something if they look for evidence to prove that they're inadequate so it can be like they didn't do well on a math quiz or something like that look at their pants I see I told you I'm terrible at math and so they're looking for every opportunity to prove that they're terrible at something and so they just stopped trying the belief behind the behavior again is that I'm helpless there's no point in trying don't give up on me and show me a small step is a coded message so what can we do as parents if we have a that is bleach an area of their life that they are inadequate breaking down a task into small steps can be a really great place to start do teachers do that anyways just folded into what they would do as a way to problem solve if a child is struggling in an area but we can do that at home to buy whether or not we're teaching them how to do something or how breaking things down into small steps can be really important making a task easier until a child experiences success so one of the things that I think about is training wheels right and so we have a it's really excited to start riding a bike and so what do we do we make it a little bit easier they made you one of those Strider bikes something to make it a little bit easier in the beginning we may move up cast a little bit easier and still they experienced success at schools that could be something similar you may start out with a book that is more for fun that is a little bit below a reading level so they can enjoy read and then you can move them up a little bit set up opportunities for Success we want to celebrate those things celebrate the things that they're really good at and so that they will steal empowered to me try something take time for training we talked about that the past two weeks we can't expect our kids to know everything we have to take the time to teach them teach skills and show them how but don't do it for them so if you're teaching your kid how to tie their shoes you can teach alongside them but try not to always be doing it for them and try to stop criticism be able to show encouragement and that attempts encourage any positive attempts no matter how small show face in a child's abilities like a disingenuous face because we know that our kids all have their own personal struggles maybe things that are challenges but we do have faith in our child's ability to be able to be the best that they can be subject to pity them don't give up enjoy the child and build on his or her interest so if you have a child to struggle to match but they really like cooking that's a really cool opportunity. and so build on the things that they're interested in that may also fold in some of those challenging areas for them family class meetings here we go we're going does look tricky but what math strategies are you learning at school at snow couple and give him a try do it and I have faith in you how about let's try it together so again we are encouraging we're not being disingenuous that some things are challenges for kids but we want to try to push them to at least try to do something and assumed an adequacy can be a really difficult one because you want to build up your kids self-esteem fortify the areas that they are having a challenge in all right. Let's do a parenting class recap very first thing that we did is we talked about what positive discipline is and we learned that positive discipline is a program that was developed by Jane Nelson and we talked about the kids are hardwired from burst to want to have connection to their community and family family know that kids that are more to their families and communities are less likely to misbehave we talked about adding some books to your parenting Library if you're taking the full class next semester I need you to perch the positive discipline book definitely is important and so positive discipline is one that we talked about raising self-reliant children in a self-indulgent world whole brain child is already reading and then I'm going to shout out the doctor Becky you don't follow dr. Becky on Instagram or social media hop on there and do it she gets lots of great antidote we spent a large portion of time our first session discussing the significance but we went through that this is something that Jane Nelson and Steven Glenn and we talked about that there are things that people have these seven things people have they tend to be more successful in life until we talked about the perception of being capable significant that you have influence over your life we had discussed the importance of having strong and try and her personal skills and then we also talked about the importance of having a really strong moral compass and having develop judgment skills and learning how to be flexible things that we want work it I showed you my favorite all-time quotes from Jane Nelson where did we get the crazy idea that to make children do better first we have to make them feel worse children do better when they feel better we talked about punishment alternative we spent a great deal of time discussing that there is a difference between punishment and discipline they are not the same thing we want to be able to start walking away from punishment and stepping more into discipline when we're working with her kids we work through some specific things to we spent some time talking about the difference between logical and natural consequences they are different things that happen naturally there's no adult interference right and we know that logical consequences that does require adults interference in that do but we do need them to be related respectful reasonable and helpful if it's if we're missing one of those then it's not a consequence it's a punishment and then we talked about the language of kindness and firmness which your kids are getting at school all the time anyways being reinforced their so why not take it up a notch and be doing it in your home what we say to our kids really matter because whether we want to believe it or not oftentimes parents become the little voice inside their kids heads okay positive or negatively we end up a voice inside their head so it's important it's for us to be intentional in the way that we speak to her kids and again we are working towards being kind and being firm at the same time we are not wishy-washy parents we are being both at the same time all right so look for information regarding our full at 6 week class coming next year I appreciate your attendance I ended a little bit early because I wanted to know if anybody had any that you wanted to add to what we've been working through for the past which it can I just add on great deep dive with Bridget in the spring. Hope that you think of me in person or virtual I would love for it to be in person because that can often result in some really fun banter back and forth so I would love we will definitely try to have those on campus and see if we can maybe even offer some help with child care if you need them and then in addition to the classes for adults who are more in the winter Sue and Lisa and I will do once I thought about the significance of a really beautiful presentation where you can see what that looks like in action in the classroom actually started with the board this week you're better and parents still alive got to see some of the things that they're told her capable of doing young age that will be free like this class but the one fridge will do in the spring there will be a cost associated with that play siboney the positive discipline book and then there's a thing workbook that will be working through together where you'll be driving things down and everything and it keeps up with there is just a little bit of reading that you'll do every week to get you for the bus Austin all of that to Betsy and then we'll hopefully get over by you can Amazon everything it'll be fast

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