Video Gallery

Parent Ed: Positive Parenting Series 2 of 3

Go to Video Gallery Added Jan 20, 2022 •

Copy this URL:
Embed code:	<iframe class="edlio-embed-player" type="text/html" width="640" height="360" src="//www.chanceschool.org/apps/embed/?v=332968" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> Change dimensions

Go HD

Week 2: A Parent's Tool Box - The Language of Kindness and Firmness. Parents will walk away with concepts that they can immediately apply in their homes. The course includes information regarding how to talk and listen to your child, developmental stages, the parent's role in supporting those stages, specific unique ways of communicating, how to help your child learn to be responsible, how to use positive discipline and how to help your child develop into a capable person.

Show Transcript

okay alright guys welcome back I'm so happy you're here if this is your first time being with us if you missed last week welcome my name is Bridget I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist certified positive discipline parent educator I'm also a former chance School parent so definitely know what you guys got going on there and it's some good stuff really happy to be back with you today I'm happy that you're here for week 2 of an introduction positive disa for those of you that I attended last week welcome for those of you that are new I hope that you had an opportunity to read to watch the presentation from last week it was really hopefully full of helpful things that you could implement you're home so if you haven't watched it make sure you go back we covered a lot of things I do want to add a little bit of a disclaimer to this presentation we're spending a very brief amount of time on a couple of two fix today and so we're not going to be able to go into a whole lot of depth about discussing alternatives to punishment and things like that but we are going to cover a lot of information against our hope is that this will get you really excited for positive discipline and we can go into I'm a little bit later in the semester when we offer the full class alright I'm just going to recap last week we talked about what is positive discipline who is this Jane Nelson lady created this great curriculum to help parents and people in the classroom treat their kids with kindness and respect we talked a lot about what this is we also spent a significant amount of time at the end of our presentation last week on the significant 7 so again if you haven't watch that please go back and spend some time doing that because the significant sub-7 helps us figure out how our kids develop those perceptions of being keep insignificant really important Concepts that we covered last week I also want to say thank you so much for all of the emails and phone calls from last week I know I put it on the last slide is like an option if somebody wanted to but y'all really took me up on it and so I feel very thankful that I got just a little bit of a glimpse into what's going on in some of your family's you wanted a little bit more information on how we can Implement some of the Concepts into your very specific family Dynamics and so I'm really thankful I am going to share one of them I won't use any names but someone did call me last week and she was like okay so this this concept of going to the grocery store and if you're throws a fit and you've already set up the expectation of we're not going to do that we're going to go in and get her groceries we're not going to throw a fit in the checkout lane work if they throw a fit you leave you leave your groceries she was like this is not realistic for me I'm not leaving my groceries I don't have a lot of time for grocery shopping I have to get in and get out and so it was the best time having a conversation about I love this let's figure out what would work for your family and so we can with a plan that would work for her family at the grocery store and so it was just a really nice way to get involved in the very specifics of everyone's life because not everything works for everybody we can tweak it a little bit but thank you so much again I'll put my contacts in from if anybody wants to add anything for this time okay so today's topics we're going to cover parenting Styles I think it's really important to figure out where you fall in the can can you warm of parenting Styles there three that we are going to be discussing today we're going to talk about discipline and Punishment natural vs. logical consequences I'll have some examples for these as well and then we're going to spend some time on the language of kindness and firmness I think it's really important to give you very specific things very specific phrases that you can start utilizing with Senor your homes I know that she is already doing a lot of these things in the classroom I picked up a lot of this stuff from being at chance and so on but I want to give it to you so that you can start using it at your house all right what is your parenting style so my parents are kind but not firm others are firm but not kind and then many parents really just vacillate between the two you may be too kind until they can't stay in their kids who develop entitlement attitude and then you might be too firm where you can't stand yourself and then you feel like a Sirens but the foundation of positive discipline is to be kind and firm at the same time so let's talk about authoritarian what is excessive control these are the rules by which you must abide and this is the punishment you will receive for violating the rules children are not involved in the decision-making process do you want to be really transparent this is the type of home I grew up in I grew up in a very Authority Rhian household I did not have a lot of say in anything that was going on in the home and naturally that is my Bend as a parent it's me generational oftentimes where how your parents did it other grandparents did it is often passed me on it so that's my been in so that's where I have to be really careful tonight be overly into the excessive control the second type is the complete opposite end of the spectrum so this is permissiveness there are no rules we will love each other and be happy and we will let you choose your own rules later K complete opposite end of the spectrum I do want to say that sometimes people that were brought up in an excessively controlling household sometimes they completely pivot and they will go to the other end there I don't want to anything like my parents I don't want to do anything like them so they'll go to the extreme opposite end and then they will become super permissive this is where we need to be in the middle we want to be at the retain its this kind and firm so together we decide on the rules for our mutual benefit we will also decide together solutions that will be helpful to all who are concerned when we have problems when I must use my judgment without your input I will is firmness kindness dignity and respect I do want to acknowledge there are some decisions that are not kid decisions there are some decisions that are grown-up decisions and that is okay it's very important that we also think about how this will be implemented with kids so that we are showing that kindness and firmness at the same time something that I am going to address is that opposites often attract attract and our Partnerships and so sometimes one parent or caregiver is really kind and the other one is really firm and I think it's really interesting that two people with opposite philosophies and parenting will Austin get married or they'll start a partnership together so one has the tendency to be too lenient and then the other has a tendency to be too strict then the Laney apparent things that here needs to be more lenient to make up for the mean strict parent and then it's backwards so then the strict parent thinks he or she needs to be more strict to make up for this wishy-washy and then they just get further and further part in their parenting journey together and then the truth is that both of those are very ineffective ways to parents we want to be in that happy medium all right so we have our first opportunity to tribute to our conversation again I will say if you are on a computer at the top of that you should say ask if it should say ask a question at slides. App. Google you can click that and then you can contribute to the converse in there or you can just drop it in the chat box at the bottom I will stay if you contribute using the link that's provided at the top you can do that anonymously if you want to do what I want you to do is to take a moment and type in the chat what type of discipline or punishment you have tried in your home or what did you experience as a kid what types of discipline and Punishment did you experience anyone what types of discipline or punishment have you tried or did you experience as a kid that one over here restricting screen time yep that is definitely one that a lot of parents will do in order to modify Behavior anything else counts or alone time in room yep give me another second if anybody else wants to contribute restriction of a play 45 minutes of a toy is involved in the issue okay I we tried natural consequences but sometimes it doesn't seem like the girl ones are understood or carry weight mom was kind and firm dad was but yep time in after hitting yes I think there's a lot of benefit and hugs and that's a big a big y sometimes if your kids in a complete meltdown you can literally look at them and say do you want a hug and sometimes they will say yes that's a good point feeling like you have to have complete control yeah and I think that that's something that we are going to discuss in a little bit is that oftentimes punishment is is our way of just controlling a situation loss of privileges timeouts discussion sometimes discussions can be lectures instead of like a discussion time out with a timer yes conferencing to talk it out yeah I'm so there they are actually getting this modeled in in the classroom as well because I'm sure that they're still doing a class meetings and sometimes you can respond to things in that way we're not going to go over classroom or female meetings today but we will address that in the full parenting class because I think that's a great thing to use try not to talk through temper tantrums yep they are not receptive and we're going to talk about that in a minute yes natural logical, these are great and I think you're going to you're going to see that it mirrors the list that I generated for a stock about today all right so these are School discipline methods that I hear parents using a lot to modify Behavior spanking yelling threats time out naughty chair step I've been hearing that a lot lately like a naughty step in the home withdrawal of privileges lectures draw love love so sometimes a child will do something in the parent will completely physically and emotionally withdraw themselves from a child are they may result to just using gratuitous praise our rewards were going to talk about reward charts in just a second rescuing and giving in so this is a lot of the discipline methods that I typically here in the counseling office and when I'm working so what we're going to do is we are going to look at these discipline methods and then we're going to spend some time having a conversation about what do kids actually like when will use these discipline methods alright spanking what kids learn it's okay to hit people I know that this is a little bit of a soapbox many of us but I want it to be to the point in your parenting Journey where you can look at your child and you can say I don't hate you do not hit me okay so if they're getting really angry and built a few want to be able to oftentimes spanking is multigenerational a grandparent did it appear it did it to us and so now we think that that's what we need to use in order to modify a child's Behavior I was in a parenting class one time I was in it I was not leaving it but the speaker at the time was talking about spanking and this man that was sitting in the back grew very disgruntled he was very angry that it was even suggested that there was maybe an alternative to spanking and he said the inevitable and I know you guys are all thinking about it he said the inevitable I was spanked as a child and I turned out fine and so that was his way of trying to okay perpetuating it upon his children and then the speaker looked at him and said really because you're an adult that hits children I don't think you turned out fine and he got up and left the class but that was very it it left a mark on me to where it was very much there has to be another way and there is another way for us to modify our kids behavior that doesn't include us physically hurting them so get off my spanking so box yelling okay when we yell at our kids sometimes they they just tune us out they may he rest in the beginning but then they stopped paying attention to what we're saying it literally is that Charlie Brown syndrome a lot like not hearing your words and so if you're yelling at them they will tune you out to the point where they're not even listening to what you're saying and again all the way like what we talked about last week we want to be modeling what we want our kids characteristics and if we don't want our kids to yell at us we don't want to yell at them Brett so when you make threats and see threats they just don't believe you mean what you say okay I read a book I was in my master's program got up at this was back in 2005 and I really don't remember a whole lot about the book except this one phrase and I use this phrase almost every single week when I'm working with parents in the phrases empty threats are broken promises never threatened something that you are not prepared to follow through with okay because if you do that the kids learn what they don't mean that they don't mean that is so that's why I try to encourage families if you do take away Electronics if you take a something that is for a short. Of time if you threaten to take away a switch for an entire month you're probably not going to be able to keep up with that right I had a family that we were working on follow-through and he came in to this the next week and he was so proud of himself but also so frustrated with himself because his kids were fighting and he said if you hit each other one more time we are not going to the Utah game. And he said as soon as it came out of my mouth that was like oh my gosh I just said this now I have to follow through with it and believe it at the kids they just hauled off and hit each other and did they go to the game they did not they absolutely did not say never make a threat if you're not willing to follow through with it time out. He's a naughty step so this kind of inside the fight or flight with kids I don't know if you've ever tried to keep a preschooler on a naughty step but it's hard X and I'll run away and they'll make it a game and don't think it's funny and you know those types of things and so they'll find ways to get out of it that's just normally what happens and it's more of a fight for the parents I'm when we get into our full positive discipline that will do we're going to be going over time in and how it looks different it's just a different concept withdrawal of privileges sometimes kids will resist and rebelled against them so I had a kid I was working with one-time parents took away the switch and that was the consequence for something that it happened and they woke up at 2 in the morning realizing there is this kid he was when is bad but they heard Rumblings in downstairs in the kid got up at 2 and grabbed his switch and started playing it this is a kindergartner alright lectures again Charlie Brown if you use too many words they're going to figure out ways to not get caught and it's not listen to you withdrawal of Love is really tricky it happens a lot where we get really frustrated or angry and we show that to her kids and we completely take away our send in our love and our present from her kids there are situations where you need to take a timeout yourself but it's really important to not withdrawal your care and your emotion completely kids will learn that you have to be an approval they will be approval junkies they will you're outweighs that okay I have to actually do something in order to get love and attention and care Praise You must at get before giving. And I'm going to go ahead and put a reward sometimes we give gratuitous praise like a good boy good girl and we're not specific in our praise with kids and they learn that they have to you have to give them something before they actually do what you want it's that the carrot in front of the face mentality of I have to dangle a carrot in front of you before you will do what I know you need to do and we don't want that to happen in a lot of times. Have a really hard time giving up reward charts and again the sticker chart the reward piece of it it's going to have you have to up the ante every time almost because the same reward isn't going to be effective every time if I do have experience that really real I really want to do a reward chart I really challenged them to not make it about physical things like you're not going to the Target to pick out a toy if you do this I want to make it more about a relationship so I would challenge them to say okay so if you're working towards a reward make it about a relationship make it about you are spending 30 minutes of individual time with them before bed make it about that they got to stay up 30 minutes later watch a movie one on one with you make it about that they get a pic what you have to eat for dinner for Friday or Saturday night make it about spending time together and less about an object or a thing rescuing this is something that parents do a lot I see it often times especially in the Middle School and High school-aged kids where is it has a lot to do his homework if you forget to do your homework if you forget equipment if you're playing a sport than the parent will rush in and they will bring you whatever it is you forgot even though it's been set up an advance that this is what your expectations are and so I do encourage. with middle school and high schoolers if you put the expectation out there if you've had the conversation about if you forget your basketball gear I'm not bringing it to you I have faith that you can figure this out right and so we want to be able to orchids grow in that area so if they forget it we're not going to rescue them they will learn to deal with it and then giving an sometimes kids learn that I just don't belong oh my where did my slides go well that's weird my slides disappeared sorry guys I am trying to get my flights back I hit the next button and they disappeared give me just a second k sorry guys no we were just kind of suggest to have you stopped presenting and try to reopen but looks like that's what you're doing Bridget it's saying Google can't be opened my slides are gone oh my ok I'm going to go out and go back in really quick okay try to figure it out don't know what happened and John and I do see your question I have not missed it that is so weird it's like my whole Google Chrome shut down appreciate you want me to try is there maybe yeah I have it up to on Safari now but the the Chrome is the one that lets me do the the presenter View the let me see if I can get this to come up again Bridget can you do it now that I shared it let me see am I am I seeing you on the screen yeah yeah it's still for some reason it's not letting me open Chrome for right now see if we can go all the way G on we are going to improvise and I'm not going to have my prisoner. just roll with it yeah right they're just right. That's the right sorry to insult accomplish five criteria so can we go back oh yeah we missed all of that go back up sorry that's e I'm putting you to work go back to that's it that's the next the punishment yeah and then we'll go on to the next go all the way through that I just don't want somebody to make a note of the date and time that I helped with a technical problem like if anybody is paying attention what are you famous for helping with technical face no I do not I do not know why I literally can't even open Chrome right now so I can't do it by myself thank you gosh those to the next slide now I'm stuck hanging on it would have been impossible to have two weeks in a row of there we go sorry rather than teaching a child to control themselves are you are you okay and most often punishment changes the way a child thinks about him or herself that's just the foundation idea of punishment I feel like super demanding with this Savannah okay okay do you okay so why do you think parents use discipline methods that are not effective in the long-term if you just have any idea how come the chat and then let me I have lost all messages as well I'm going to be great can you think about reasons why parents might use these parents are worn out so slow my God yes the Quick Fix that's right they worked in the past yes I need my readers can't see yeah it feels familiar yes and I think this is a big thing that I talk to family the lot about we do often default to what we are used to in our childhood because that's what we know and so this positive discipline thing is not easy parenting this takes time and it takes a little bit of time to get to know what works for you and to work on your language yes I'm so sorry guys I can't figure out how to get out Siri go alright keep going yeah just go through all five I'll just read from there we go okay so the five criteria for Effective discipline is it kind and firm at the same time does it help children feel a sense of belonging significance is it effective in the long-term and doesn't teach valuable social and life skills for good character and doesn't invite children to discover how they are capable and how they can use their power construct so this is very foreign to families to think of discipline as a way to help your child build a long and significant but it's a very different way to look at what we are doing when we discipline our children alright alright Vanna next slide Olivia is not working now sorry guys let me see if I can get from up again yeah my whole Chrome tab is gone it's like not doing anything all right so all positive discipline tools accomplish all five of those criteria however meeting these guidelines may require giving up some faulty beliefs and I think there are three on their beds yet are you sometimes too kind and then to firm Are you too kind because you believe punishment equals being mean and disrespectful are you to firm because you believe your kids will become spoiled brats if they are not punished I think there's another one on there yes and do you become frustrated when you personally switched between punishment and permissiveness and find neither Works to create this happy family that you want and then there's one more on there positive discipline parenting tools help you avoid these extremes all right okay so before we hit on this I do want to say that if you do not already own this book the whole brain child please buy it like now on Amazon on Amazon and add it to your piercing Library this is a wonderful book that was written by Dan Siegel and he is a psychiatrist and you work with kids and he talks about that relationship that is between what's going on in selection early with your kids and how they are handling themselves in the middle of a meltdown or tantrum now that the farmer has a school Debbie used to do a really great example of like your hands turn your brain and all of this and I just am not super great at it but this is as quick 2-minute video or Dan Siegel talks about it so I thought we could watch that really quickly one of the most rewarding experiences for me has been study brain science and apply it to the experience of parenting and the hand model of the brain that I used to teach parents is very useful to understand that so if you take your thumb and put in the middle of your palm put your fingers over the top is a very useful model of the brain and when we can actually see in front of us what's going on the brain then we can change what the brain does so let me walk you through very basically what happens in this brain in the structures in it it goes like this the spinal cord comes up represented the wrist and then you have coming up into the skull the brainstem and the limbic area which work together to regulate arouse your emotions and the way you have fight flight freeze response these are below the cortext Olympic and brain stem areas and the cortex is higher part of the brain that allows us to perceive the outside world think and reason and this front most part of the brain right behind your forehead it's the person's oriented like this is actually the part that regulates the subcortical limbic and brain stem areas this regulation is very important because sometimes we can have all sorts of things happened our life with tired or exhausted someone put is a particular emotional button and we can flip our Lids so rather than being tuned in and connected and balanced and flexible we can lose all that flexibility even lose moral reasoning and act in ways that are terrifying. including our children now you can actually bring yourself back online and come back to the high road and make a repair with your child and that's important explain to them and you can also use this hand while the brain to explain to children even as young as five and six how to understand when their emotions are rising up from the brainstem and limbic areas here and how it's overriding the prefrontal area and make it so they may be about to flip their Lids so I've had please come tell me that they're about to go put their lives and they need a break they need a time out and buy even just naming that they can tame it and that's the power of using a hand model for a cell and our children help us all make sense of what goes on in the emotional communication that we have in the course of day-to-day life all right so I know that that was a short to have the Mushroom War are the Nike Slides yeah you can go to the next slide so in there are three bulleted points below that I've got it pulled up on my phone so I can see it you can stop right there so you can't see a problem at the time of conflict with a flip lid and somebody actually brought that up a moment ago that when you're in the middle of it it's completely impossible for you to have a rational conversation with anybody in the possible when my lid is flipped to have a rash no conversation with anybody have to wait until I regain some of that control it so we have to keep that in mind when we're talking to our kids so why do parents try to correct a child when they are both in a flip lid state so often times parents are afraid of letting a child get away with something they're afraid they're not doing their job as a parent or they're afraid their kids will just below monsters forever right and then oftentimes we have a lot of perceptions about what other people are thinking of I like this picture of this sweet little kid that time a little bit of a meltdown now once you just pretend that you're at a you're out at the park and there are lots of other people around you and you as a parent it is really hard to not see oh my gosh all of these people around me think I'm a horrible parent and they're judging every single thing that I'm doing right I'm in so we do think that we worry a lot about the perceptions of other people but we know that is possible to have a conversation with a kid with a flip lid we can go up beside them we can ask if they want a hug we can try to make that connection and just stay with your words I'm going to sit here until you feel like coming down until you need a hug if you want to talk and just be with them again we're not looking to withdraw love from a child when they're in the middle of a meltdown okay we can go to the next one oh this is something that I really really like it the great quote from Jane Nelson did we ever get the crazy idea that to make children do better we have to make them feel worse children do better when they feel better and I just really like yeah so prefrontal cortex is where you know right from wrong and then you regulate your emotions and you have the ability to respond instead of react and I hate to tell you this information but the prefrontal cortex doesn't finished thanks for 25 years and so even at a college so I don't know about you but if you think back to your college Years it might make things make sense but children do not have that ability to self-regulate like adults and so that's why it's really our job to self-regulate our sleep on our own so that their brains can absorb it later we want to be modeling all the times for kids what this is going to look like next one yes it's heartbreaking when our children are punished for the behavior that is developmentally typical and beyond their control it is developmentally appropriate for young children to test and explore boundaries I'm going to know that they're doing this at school a lot and then the other thing that I do want to say about this is in the full 60 class there isn't a whole lot of information on Child Development and I I will add that because I feel like that's important for it's to know what is normal for your kids age and so we'll talk about that all right so take a moment and type in the chat what you believe could be long lasting results of harsh punishment I know it's a big question yep low self-esteem no confidence fear of expressing yourself poor sense of self yak again our job as parents is to build emotional intelligence we want our kids to be emotionally intelligent not just smart but emotionally intelligent behaving out of fear and mistrust of parents my dogs barking in the other room Yes except abused for mother's omigosh a living yes because then we we have taught kids to not stand up for themselves to not send us adults and I hate to break it to everyone but not every adult is a good person and so sometimes you do have to talk back to adults yeah anxiety trauma yep okay that's great I will move on and there are and you can roll through that list there are four and then there's two more yeah yep that's an okay so there are four r's for punishment so the first thing that could happen is result of punishment is resentment this is unfair and I cannot trust adults Revenge their winning now I'm going to get even later Rebellion I'll show them I can do whatever I want and then Retreat and Retreat can look like two things it can be in the form of sneakiness I'm not going to get caught the next time or it could be a reduction in self-esteem my sister is having a younger sister two years younger and she was sneaky she did everything as a form of sneakiness and for me it was a reduction of self-esteem because I was first born I was type A and I wanted to do everything the right way and so that way my form of retreat when I was punished okay the next one most parents do not understand that children are always making decisions in response to their experiences and that these decisions affect them for the rest of their life I know they are not consciously aware of the decision my right and then there are six punishment alternatives on there and you can just roll through Mall yep okay so let's take a second you're probably like okay Bridget what's our alternative if we are not supposed to punish what are these punishment alternatives decide what you will do not what you will make your kid do an example of this look like let's say that you have made it abundantly clear to the children if their clothes are not inside the hamper they will not get washed any clothes on the floor or not in the camper so they don't get washed and see their favorite sweater is not inside the hamper they don't get it washed and so when they come to you they will ask you where is my sweater what was it in the camper so it didn't get washed so what will you do the next time it's so you decided what you're going to do you're going to wash clothes in the hamper and you've decided what you're not going to do you're not going to watch what's in the camper so that's a good a good option for you set limits and follow through say how you feel in this could look something like I'm going to get ahead of all these type down in my presenter notes and I don't have them say how you feel could look something like I'm feeling really overwhelmed with how how much I have to do to get the kitchen clean what can you do to help so you can say I'm feeling overwhelmed this is where I need your help take care of your own needs handle your own anger okay sometimes we also have to take little breaks and then come back to situation so that we don't have explosion play I can't make you but I would like your help this is a really difficult concepts for for parents to come to the realization that oftentimes we can't make our kids do something that we would like them to do the weekend I can't make you but I would like you to do this and oftentimes a kid will fall through work on an agreement and follow through if you decide that you need to do your homework before you watch TV that's an agreement and then you will follow through if they're watching TV before their homework done right so you work on this agreement in advance everything is revealed and then you're ready to go all right what's next oh yeah there are three examples of logical consequences could be if you break a window you can earn money to pay for it if you bring a toy to school and teach it for you until after school if you're Frozen on the hamper they will not get washed all right and then there are like six things on there at you all right so I think the title of this is weird this is directly from positive discipline but it's just an odd waited to name it the 3 R's in the H of logical consequences so you have to think yourself is it related to what happened is it respectful is it reasonable and is it if you are taking something away for months at a time it's not really helpful or reasonable so let's try to keep it within those parameters if any of the 3 R's of the ages Miss thing is this is not a logical consequence this is Spanish for use consequences rarely instead focus on Solutions and this is also another concept that sometimes it's hard for families I talk to the family about this yesterday the concept that you don't always have the consequence things it can be a cop it can be okay this was really hard this time what do we need to do to come up with a solution for the next time just a different way of looking at it alright lot of The Logical consequences are often poorly disguised when we use the term logical consequences parents so frequently misinterpreted as a new way to impose their demands on children this children this Children See for what it is it's disguise punishment now we're going to do natural consequences so examples of natural consequences if you do not wear a coat you'll be cold if you do not eat your dinner you'll be hungry if you stand in the and you will get wet a natural consequence is that it just happens naturally no adult interference all right okay and then there are three bulletin points on that one yeah so I can be difficult for parents to be supportive without rescuing or overprotecting but it is one of the most encouraging things that you do and it helps kids learn from their own experiences so we're talking about dealing with natural consequences if we talk about let's give the example of your kid doesn't wear their coat okay then do piggy backing I don't want you to say seems like I told you so I told you it was going to be cold today I told you so this adds more blame at shame and pain to what has happened instead I would like to invite you to show empathy understanding and I bet it was hard to be so cold today without your coat and then when appropriate and it doesn't feel patronizing say something like I love you and I have faith that you can handle this so you can say something to the effect of I love you very and I am sorry you were cold today what's your plan for tomorrow something like that and no rescuing or fixing okay where we had technical difficulties we are coming up on some really important things and we have 10 minutes so we may go a smidge after so I do apologize in advance if anybody is on a timeline but hopefully you can go back and watch it if you do have to jump off right at 12:30 so what you say and how you say it to your children matters I want to explore with you about ways that you can be really intentional and how you're speaking to your children using that kind of burn. All right let's move on to the next slide looks like one two three four five bulletin points here we go so these are specific phrases that you can use with your kids that are both kind and first of all validate feelings so I know it's hard to stop playing and it's time for dinner I know it's hard for you to stop playing and it's time for bed and so we've validated the feeling but we also have an instruction of what has to happen kind and firm show understanding I can understand why you'd rather watch TV than do your homework and your homework has he done first kind firm redirection you don't want to brush your teeth and we'll do it together do you want to race it's just a different way of viewing helping kid get to the point where they are following through with an expectation I understand you don't want to do this and we're going to do it as soon as this is another concept you can use you do not want to go to bed and what time do you want to do one story or two stories as soon as your pajamas are on a choice and then follow through with deciding what you will do I know you want to keep playing video game and your time is up you can turn it off now or we can put it in my closet so again kind firm you're saying exactly what you need stay clear expectations soon as you finish this you made this as soon as you finish your homework you may play your switch as soon as you've finished cleaning your room you may go outside and play with friends so we are stating a very clear and up-front expectations a very kind way to approach this respond with a question would you like to do this yourself or do you want or need my help sometimes kids particularly young kids are going to want to do everything themselves even though it takes a long time and sometimes that's okay and so just checking in with them to see if they're struggling and if they need help can be really helpful I stated given it's bath time the clock says it's time for bed I blame the look for a lot of things I have some little kids so I work with kids as young as two or three and the counseling office and sometimes when we're having a whole lot of fun they don't want to leave and so it's just very easy for me to go up the clock says it's time to go you next week and they may throw a fit they may meltdown and that is okay but I'm sticking to my firmness of I had a really great time with you today time to move on check your child understanding or knowledge so what do you need to do before you can do this and then what was your understanding of what I've asked you to do so this can be in response to if you have something that has to be done with school work what do you need to do to prepare for doing this so that's a good option other kids might not have heard us and so that's why you can check in with their understanding what was your understanding of what I said we needed to do invite cooperation I need your help can figure out the most helpful thing you can do right now so this is an example if you're cleaning your house cleaning your kitchen your kids can help you and contribute limited choices would you rather set the table or feed the dog would you rather get dressed now you're close to school in a bag that's when I just think it's fun because I say what you want so I want you to stay with me while we shop at the big one I want you to do as you tell him exactly what you need up front I'm okay still negotiate an agreement if I let you do this and you will do this I am a firm believer I don't negotiate with terrorists and I do feel like some little kids are terrorists so I would not negotiate unless you're okay with that sometimes this is a little bit better for later Elementary School when we're going in the middle school and high school but you don't always have to feel like you have to negotiate even though you're going to have some that are really great negotiators they're going to be amazing business people later on in life we can turn that for good and then follow through it's time to do this now what was our agreement and then wait on their response don't argue just call my repeat the word now or points your watch and again remember that empty threats are broken promises and so all these these three screens contain lots of specific language that you can use an lot of different environments what we have next okay most parents have a difficult time giving up punishment and or permissiveness until they know what else to do and a Hallmark of positive. when is the that many parenting tools that help kids learn self-discipline responsibility cooperation and the belief is I am capable this is what we're trying to do as parents we want our kids to be capable in these skills will serve them through the rest their life in every single relationship that there in in the future oh my god oh we did it I just flew I just flew through that guy's I will I don't know what's going on with Google's I don't know what's going Google. We'll figure it out topics for next week please join us it was fun please come back next week topics for next week we're going to talk about the belief behind the behavior we're going to talk about mistaken goals so what they mean and how we contribute and we're going to be doing a parenting paradigm shift and will walk you through all of that I sincerely appreciate your help today Bessie sorry about Bridget. I don't know I can't I can't even get Chrome to open so I don't even know what's going on I'll try to restart my computer and hopefully we'll have an issue next week but it was all right I loved it I've been here for like 20 years every time I hear it. always remind yourself yeah and if anybody has questions again here's my information please let me know but I do appreciate your attendance today thank you so much session Bridget thank you alright thank you

Video Gallery

Parent Ed: Positive Parenting Series 2 of 3

Popular Videos